So it was indeed a complexion of bad and good day. Bad was because of the broken friendship, like again; good was because I still have my family with me. <3

Yep, even after the raya break and all sorts of ups and downs, the relationship between me and my flowers still got distant so great until I have no hopes at all. It was clear to feel that even though they might not hate me, but definitely do not like me much like they used to. For Janelle, she hates me, I can tell from her body language. Billions of question marks ran through my mind but I still had no idea why. What have I done that can get she so despised with me.

So this was what I have always believed in, never fall too deep for anybody. In the end you will get hurt for the feelings you have attached and poured out. I used to think I have found a bunch of people who can know me and appreciate me, but no. Maybe I just do not deserve it. Maybe I was born to be lonely.

OK FINE, stop being silly christy. Stop being so negative, this is just so not you. But you know, it is thousand time harder to be positive when you have to face the same people everyday but with fake skin on the outside.

I wish to show my sweet smiles and silly laughs to time like I used to, but I am afraid. I am afraid they dislike it, they despise it, or look down on it. I don't get a reason why, but through the reactions they made, I somehow realize my part doesn't matter at all. Especially for Janelle, she doesn't even look into my eyes whenever I talk to her. :') She used to be like a big caring sister to me, but now she looks like I am nothing to her. hehh. :)

God, I know you are giving me all these challenges to make me a stronger and better person. But the more challenges you give, the more I realize I'm such an useless being, I'm just a coward who doesn't even dare to speak out or show my own character. I miss being myself in front of them, like so much.

"If there's no common topic to talk about, just relax and listen to songs ; it isn't a must to push yourself to find a topic." - quoted by Kevin Tsai, a Taiwan motivation writer.

This was a quote Jia Wen (a friend from Muar) told me. She was always the quiet, the genius & the so unfeminine one. She never acted like a normal girl as she is always cool and behaving like a guy. But the shocking part was that it started to change as she left for university. She started to interact much and it could be seen that she appreciated our bunch of friends very much.  (I'm not sure if I was included) But anyway, it was great to realize that even a friend who I wasn't being so close with is now comforting me with her brilliant phrases and that was super dupa cute.

So the reason she gave me such inspiring quote was because the way I'm living these days. I'm so depressed with the flowers gang. (my uni gang) We used to be super close and intimate, but I have no idea since when it changed, like changing drastically. I used to love them so much that I could almost tell them everything and every single secrets I have. But now the six seems so departed, or maybe I should just say that I'M BEING DEPARTED.

I have no idea why and how, but it just happened. It might caused by the fact that I had a lot other bunches of friends and the frequency I hung out with the gang lessened so much. But does it make a reason? It wouldn't be like this if that was a true and solid friendship......so I have really no idea.

The way they talked about their secrets and inside jokes made me feel so bad and insecure. It was never a yes when I asked if they wanted to go toilet with me. I know that sounded stupid, but it is really the way girls do. They will forever accompanying their best friends to go toilet. And this principle depressed me, in a great way.

What being worst was about Moon. She used to be one of the closest flowers with me as both of us stay in U-Residence and we used to go to each other's room to talk and chill. We even cooked together and we were so so close. But what happened was now we rarely even talk. Moon is always the one who talks so much without a halt, because she truely loves talking. But nowadays she's being so so ultra quiet when both of us are alone together. Even if I tried hard to talk, all her replies were the typical ignorance ones. She exactly sounded that she did not have the intention to talk to me...... I still can not put on a decision that she hates/dislikes/despises me, but all these things broke my heart a little by little. Especially for this morning, she was being so ignorance when both of us walked ourselves to the classroom. Right after now, she tweeted something mentioning she was lazy to layan a person. And guess what, I did not know why but I just felt like she was talking about me.

I had been thinking for the whole day, wanting to find a slots and talk directly to her. I really wish to know what have I done and what are the feelings they having towards me. Do they really hate/dislike me? Did I do anything wrong? I really appreciate these friends but I truely can't hold it anymore. I'm about to collapse. Going to school with them all day made me insecure and heartbroken. It's more heartbreaking when you got departed without even knowing the reason.

I guess the best choice is staying away from them, departing myself from them completely. And proceed to find my own happiness. I do not need people who hates me to be fake with me all the time. I would rather choose to have them telling me the truth that they don't like me or whatever than being like an idiot knowing nothing about their feelings toward me.

I'm exhausted, I just need some motivation.
& I guess all I have now are books, songs & some little writings to heal my appalling wound.
I need a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, to release all my stress my negative emotions.
But where is it? Yes, I have a lot of friends but they are so far apart from me right now.
I miss home, I miss my family.
But no wonder, I just have to get through this by myself.
Collapsing days are one of the days to lead us to successful life.
So Christy, be strong and live a happy life ok?
I believe you can do it no wonder what.

So after years of uneasy, I'm finally at a stage where I get to study in one of the top private universities in the country. This is somehow distinctive with the initial dream I've set, which was to be in New Zealand, but who knows what life does to us and the current state is all I can ask for right now. 

Talking about the motivations for me to start blogging all over again might be the mixed feelings of mine being an official university student at the fresh age of eighteen. 

Happy sounds too greasy;
Sad might be a sin;
Excitement is definite yet evolved to a dragger.

Being in university was a blessing to me since the beginning as I finally get to return to KL and live the life I used to dipping myself in the pamper of entertainment and shopping. Of course, I met great friends here as well and I love that to the bits as everybody is awesome in their own ways. They are mostly friendly & comfortable to hang around. 

The beginning of semester one was exciting and fantastic as roller coaster. However, the roller coaster somehow drops to the lowest point as it comes to the latter period of the semester. 

It is hard to define what dilemma I've been through from the end of semester one til now the beginning of semester two. It is something vague yet obvious in sorts of ways. The bunch of flowers (a group of bestie of mine in uni) were so close and loving in the beginning and gets even more intimate in the latter times, but I somehow felt left out. It was through some small hints, slight glances they passing around time by time to each other without counting me in. 

So this is life. When you were happy as hell, you will be given a true hell after that. And what you gonna do is to break through that hell and get your steps up to that ecstasy. 

10th May 2016 

Tueday

2.02 AM