Collapsing Days

"If there's no common topic to talk about, just relax and listen to songs ; it isn't a must to push yourself to find a topic." - quoted by Kevin Tsai, a Taiwan motivation writer.

This was a quote Jia Wen (a friend from Muar) told me. She was always the quiet, the genius & the so unfeminine one. She never acted like a normal girl as she is always cool and behaving like a guy. But the shocking part was that it started to change as she left for university. She started to interact much and it could be seen that she appreciated our bunch of friends very much.  (I'm not sure if I was included) But anyway, it was great to realize that even a friend who I wasn't being so close with is now comforting me with her brilliant phrases and that was super dupa cute.

So the reason she gave me such inspiring quote was because the way I'm living these days. I'm so depressed with the flowers gang. (my uni gang) We used to be super close and intimate, but I have no idea since when it changed, like changing drastically. I used to love them so much that I could almost tell them everything and every single secrets I have. But now the six seems so departed, or maybe I should just say that I'M BEING DEPARTED.

I have no idea why and how, but it just happened. It might caused by the fact that I had a lot other bunches of friends and the frequency I hung out with the gang lessened so much. But does it make a reason? It wouldn't be like this if that was a true and solid friendship......so I have really no idea.

The way they talked about their secrets and inside jokes made me feel so bad and insecure. It was never a yes when I asked if they wanted to go toilet with me. I know that sounded stupid, but it is really the way girls do. They will forever accompanying their best friends to go toilet. And this principle depressed me, in a great way.

What being worst was about Moon. She used to be one of the closest flowers with me as both of us stay in U-Residence and we used to go to each other's room to talk and chill. We even cooked together and we were so so close. But what happened was now we rarely even talk. Moon is always the one who talks so much without a halt, because she truely loves talking. But nowadays she's being so so ultra quiet when both of us are alone together. Even if I tried hard to talk, all her replies were the typical ignorance ones. She exactly sounded that she did not have the intention to talk to me...... I still can not put on a decision that she hates/dislikes/despises me, but all these things broke my heart a little by little. Especially for this morning, she was being so ignorance when both of us walked ourselves to the classroom. Right after now, she tweeted something mentioning she was lazy to layan a person. And guess what, I did not know why but I just felt like she was talking about me.

I had been thinking for the whole day, wanting to find a slots and talk directly to her. I really wish to know what have I done and what are the feelings they having towards me. Do they really hate/dislike me? Did I do anything wrong? I really appreciate these friends but I truely can't hold it anymore. I'm about to collapse. Going to school with them all day made me insecure and heartbroken. It's more heartbreaking when you got departed without even knowing the reason.

I guess the best choice is staying away from them, departing myself from them completely. And proceed to find my own happiness. I do not need people who hates me to be fake with me all the time. I would rather choose to have them telling me the truth that they don't like me or whatever than being like an idiot knowing nothing about their feelings toward me.

I'm exhausted, I just need some motivation.
& I guess all I have now are books, songs & some little writings to heal my appalling wound.
I need a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, to release all my stress my negative emotions.
But where is it? Yes, I have a lot of friends but they are so far apart from me right now.
I miss home, I miss my family.
But no wonder, I just have to get through this by myself.
Collapsing days are one of the days to lead us to successful life.
So Christy, be strong and live a happy life ok?
I believe you can do it no wonder what.

by Christy Marcus 9:01 AM 0 comments